Last year I had a conversation that was particularly close to my heart, we explored a significant shift in lifestyle choices. As a Single Mother by Choice (SMC), I intentionally separated my relationship status from my parental status to create my family without a partner. But today, we’re delving into another evolving lifestyle: choosing to live single, alone, and child-free. This is a summary of the conversation we had during the podcast episode: How I’m Living My Best Life Childfree w/ Dr. Kris Marsh and Rahmah.

Choosing for Yourself

For Black women, societal expectations often dictate our choices. We face immense pressure to conform to certain life paths, whether it’s marriage, motherhood, or a specific career. But my wish for all women, especially Black women, is to seek joy and live life on their own terms. Whether that’s through marriage, single motherhood, a thriving career, or living single and child-free, the goal is to make active, affirmative choices that lead to a fulfilling life.

Introducing Kris and Rahmah

I was joined by Dr. Kris Marsh, author of “The Love Jones Cohort,” and my dear friend Rahmah, who has embraced a child-free life. Here are some of their thoughts.

Kris Marsh: I’m a sociologist and demographer at the University of Maryland, College Park. My research focuses on the Black middle class, exploring both their pathways and the consequences of being in this socioeconomic bracket. My recent book, “The Love Jones Cohort: Single and Living Alone in the Black Middle Class,” examines the demographic shift of single, middle-class Black individuals living alone, a group I refer to as SALA.

Rahmah: Hi, I’m Rahmah, a native Washingtonian currently residing in Charlotte, North Carolina. After facing infertility, I chose to discontinue fertility treatments and not pursue adoption, embracing life as a child-free woman.

Redefining Singlehood and Family

Kris’s book has profoundly impacted my perspective on singlehood. It’s helped me articulate to my children why I’ve chosen to remain single and how they can make choices that align with their happiness. The term SALA, which stands for Single and Living Alone, transcends class and racial lines, though Kris’s book specifically examines the Black middle-class experience.

Kris: The term SALA is inclusive, while “The Love Jones Cohort” specifically refers to middle-class Black Americans who are single and living alone. This demographic shift challenges the traditional narrative of family and highlights the importance of recognizing diverse household formations.

Rahmah: I definitely fit into both categories. As a middle-class, college-educated Black woman who’s been single and living alone my entire adult life, I resonate deeply with the SALA experience.

Challenging Societal Norms and Backlash

Choosing to live a life that deviates from societal expectations often invites criticism. Kris, have you experienced backlash for promoting singlehood in your book?

Kris: Absolutely. I receive regular hate mail accusing me of undermining Black America. Many people misinterpret my work as anti-marriage when, in fact, I advocate for healthy relationships. My goal is to destigmatize singlehood so that individuals don’t feel pressured into toxic or unfulfilling relationships just to avoid being single.

Rahmah, when you decided to live child-free, how did your community react?

Rahmah: I faced significant backlash, even from within my own family. Friends and acquaintances struggled to understand my decision, often projecting their own fears and insecurities onto me. It’s challenging for many to comprehend a woman, especially a Black woman, choosing a path outside traditional norms. However, I’ve found immense peace and fulfillment in my choice.

The Importance of a Supportive Village

Both Kris and Rahmah emphasize the importance of non-romantic, nurturing relationships. These friendships often provide the support and connection that society traditionally attributes to romantic partners.

Kris: The book highlights the necessity of having a strong network of friends. These non-romantic relationships are crucial for emotional support and should be valued and nurtured just as much as romantic ones.

Rahmah: My village includes my family, girlfriends, and a few trusted men who offer support and companionship. These relationships are incredibly fulfilling and often more stable and reliable than romantic ones.

Expanding the Definition of Family

One of Kris’s significant arguments is redefining the concept of family to include single individuals. This shift acknowledges the diverse forms of household formations and challenges the traditional family model.

Kris: I argue that people who are single and living alone should be considered a family of one. This redefinition would help eliminate structural disadvantages that single individuals face, such as higher taxes and less favorable travel rates.

Final Thoughts

Today’s conversation underscores the importance of making intentional choices that lead to a fulfilling life. Whether it’s choosing to be single, pursuing motherhood alone, or living child-free, what matters most is that these choices are made freely and align with personal happiness.

Rahmah: I encourage everyone, especially Black women, to choose what’s right for them, even if it defies societal norms. Ask yourself the hard questions and pursue the life that brings you joy and fulfillment.

Kris: Let’s continue to expand our understanding of family and singlehood. Embrace the diversity of life choices and support one another in our unique journeys.

Thank you, Kris and Rahmah, for joining today’s conversation. Until next time, continue to live life on your own terms and choose joy.

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